I loved you the moment I found out about you. You were my special little one. I was excited but also scared of our future together. It was a strange blend of feelings. Everything seemed magical and special yet scary. New challenges on the horizon, how was I going to keep up and not lose myself. Was I ready for you? Was I ready for this new chapter in my life? I wasn't sure.
Morning sickness as it turned out was not just in the morning, and lasted through out the day. I couldn't eat and nausea was all I felt. Then one day in our early days, I spotted some brown spots on my underwear. I freaked out. Immediately checked into the emergency room, and it was at that moment that I realized how special and how much I loved you. Turned out, everything okay, however they suggested I come back in 2 weeks to get another ultrasound. I thought it was just part of the routine, but later on my ultrasound confirmed the doctor's worries. You weren't developing, you were abnormally small for how old you were suppose to be. A few days later, I was faced with having to say good-bye to you. I was heartbroken. I wouldn't get to meet you, or hold you in my arms. Everything ended so quickly. I didn't know how to deal with the loss. So I tried to hide away. I thought if I just pushed it to the back of my mind, that my heart wouldn't ache as much and with time it will just get better. It didn't work. My feelings spiralled. I didn't know what to do, how to deal with it. I needed a way to honour you, your brief existence. I need something to hold onto, so that even if I said good-bye, I still have a piece of your to hold on.
Without this experience, we would've never understood so intimately the pains of losing a child through miscarriage, or still birth. That's why we created the Certificate of Life. So that parents can honor the child that has passed away. It can help bring comfort and validate the child's brief, yet meaningful existence. We hope that you never have to experience this, but please know that if you did have to go through this, that you are not alone. You are strong and special, and it is okay to feel the pain. It hurts, and we know, but you can work through this. Stay strong and we are there with you!